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Originally published May 2021. Much has changed in a little over a year, but I have yet to adjust to being digested.
“Split me, tear me apart, fling me across the fabric of space & time. Make me nothing & from nothing, make me everything again”--Rumi
Traffic sucked today but I hardly noticed.
I was just screaming the entire way—not at the stupid drivers but at all the energy crawling through my skin.
It’s really hard feeling so alive that I’m only sleeping about 4 hours a night.
Every detail of every object is almost too defined, the sounds of insects, birds, magnified—and they all make me cry, flooded with emotions, impulses, ideas...
I’m not manic—although this might be sort of what it feels like.
I’m being eaten alive by Love.
We have this weird idea in our society that Love always “feels good.” Good is completely relative—right now it’s sort of like I’m coming down with malaria.
There’s a reason why Patriarchy fears Love-
It destroys carefully laid plans, It is the ultimate transgressor, IT DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK YOU’D PREFER, it disappoints parents and scares the living shit out of twitchy cats. You DADDY/MOMMY are NOT IN CONTROL.
I know the biology—that this is all a continuous drip feed of self-produced dopamine (kinda like heroin)—and the brain does it all by itself pushing it out to every cell in the body.
I’ve lost about 5 pounds in the last few days and do not care.
I’m stupidly deliriously happy—like all the time—and fortunately, everyone in my life is being treated extra well because I actually fucking care about everything all at once.
Maybe I’ll just explode and the world will be perfect---Mr. Creosote of the Love Bomb. Don’t even need a thin wafer for this one.
Fortunately, there's still a tiny sliver of adult to go to work and try to concentrate—Zoom and committees DON’T CARE about my state of mind.
On the New Moon a dream warned me this was coming—although I’d been feeling/seeing the signs for a couple of weeks.
This deep dark Mother showed up and asked if I was ready for change. I asked if I had a choice. She said, “Well, you already made it now didn’t you.”
I don’t remember meeting her before—but within 24 hours figured it out.
A couple of years ago some DNA tests revealed that the paternity on my father’s side is not what everybody thought. Some grandma was stepping out—which is fine with me—but it certainly jogs the family stories.
Found out I’m related to a whole host of Baltic Sea folk and this dark Mother is the Ancestress of the whole damn lot of them. I had no idea—but she gave me the signs, the animals, the sigil, in the dream—and I literally had never seen ANY of it before.
How does this crap happen to me?
So, I’m awash in initiation. If we were in a traditional society, I could go off into the forest and just scream until it all integrated or I died. Take some herbs, consult with the cunning woman.
But there’s no space or time to sit out, to chant, to retreat. Just stumbling around with a dumb dazed look on my face. No wonder so many of us die of cancer or heart attacks as we drown those ancestral voices in drugs or streaming services.
Dhikr helps some but it’s too lovely and I shoot down the bliss chute again. And I still have to get up and go to work-be polite and marginally corporate, do my taxes while the whole world is so blindingly beautiful that I’m in tears half the time.
I’m not even a pagan you asshole! Having one’s ego crushed in public is not my idea of prime entertainment. Trim off that fat in real time with the razor blade YOU made yourself. Practice makes perfect and you’ve shot to the head of the class with that trance now haven’t you?
How did Merlin put it? Ah yes, “It’s too soon for all this hair pulling and leaping about!”
But as Love is the basis of everything it doesn’t matter—good luck with those distinctions.
And there’s no way of knowing how long I’ll be on the menu.
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